But do you really care?
When I answer truthfully I scare you off.
Is it my honestly?
My pathetic excitement and curiosity in my own life?
You shut me down and criticize me for answering the way I did.
(Whatever that was)
So I am conditioned to not open up.
I close myself off to you.
This pattern cycles around in circles like the seasons.
I begin to think
“What if you are right?”
and I really have palty aspirations
that don’t offer anything to anyone,
that I’m not valuable,
that me being on Earth and me not existing wouldn’t make a difference to you, or anyone.
If anything, it would be less of a hassle if there was less of me..
So why do you ask how I’m doing?
Sorry for the depressing ass shit lately. It’s a phase I’m going through, hopefully. Luckily, I’m remembering how therapeutic writing poetry is for me…you reading this probably understand
What is this voice inside of me that keeps on saying “I want to die”?
It scares me.
Do I really want to die?
Is it my fate to pass over even before I pass the age to get off my dad’s health insurance plan?
I hope not.
But the voice that wants to die is so loud…
to make itself heard and make me FEEL the pain in those words
I justify the dialogue by saying
“It’s just an aspect of my personality that wants to die.”
But how can I be so sure
that those words
“I want to die”
don’t mean all of me?
elevated and better than before…they remind you of the magic that can weave thru reality.
They bring out your most optimistic, excited, highest state.
They make you feel buzzing, with ripples of shivers migrating across skin. Kundalini? Are you hanging out too?
Let’s keep on cultivating these interactions, and prune out of the rest to save energy for what really matters.
Phone off, forgotten somewhere.
Loose, flowing, brushed hair.
Zero fucks given & I don’t care.
Off to the inner world I dare.
No meeting, no projects,
only reading for fun.
Clean here, clean there,
hair now goes up in a high bun.
No obligations, no people,
I’m left with myself.
Usually, this is a blast,
but sometimes I wonder about killing oneself.
I’d rather use my off days for this:
processing emotional, confusing bullshit,
then waste what little reserves I have,
and let my “social life” take a hit.
Lazy days are the best days of all;
I get to watch aspects of me crumble and fall.
This may seem depressing and small,
but out come little gems, like this here scrawl.
My favorite music to listen to when writing?
…the quiet hum of the air conditioning unit.
I woke up yesterday morning to a notification that I was nominated for the Versatile Blogger Award!
(Where does this even come from?! Haha!)
Needless to say, it lit up my morning like a pot of gold in the sunshine. I barely thought that this website reached anyone…but what I have to write about had made a difference in at least one person’s life.
Thank you MrHushHush for the recognition 🙂 I’ve only been following your blog a little bit…but in this short time, I’ve been blown away by your literary mindfood and personal engagement with readers. Thank you, cyber acquaintance! Keep on creating! 🙂
Rules for Versatile Blogger Award
- Thank the person who nominated you.
- Share 7 facts about yourself.
- Nominate 10 other bloggers of your choice.
- Link your nominees and let them know of your nomination.
- I have only told 1 person in real life (lol) about this website. I’m a little terrified that I’ll be seen as a crazy idiot person if I open up to the wrong people…which I realize is completely inevitable haha!
- I’ve moved 18 times in the last 7 years. Each place I’ve lived in for at least a month. Gah college. YAY traveling.
- I have ALWAYS wanted to make a full-length documentary. Perhaps this little nugget is a fun start?
- I researched bioluminescent fungi when I was an undergraduate. Yes. Mushrooms that produce their own photons and GLOW.
- I’ve been taking aerial silks classes for about two years.
- Like most people on here probably, I am hella introverted.
- I’ve played ukulele since I was 16; I used to be in a two-lady band called Black Tarla Fang.
My Nominees / Blogs That Are Meaningful to Me
- Angela Fe – Angela is one of my guides on this spiritual path. She is also my Reiki teacher. She has been an incredible help with developing a shamanic practice, recognizing the ego, and loving the self. Thank you ❤
- Goddess Within You – I’m flooded with extremely sensual, intimate and feminine posts by you.
- Philotheoristic – According to Tumblr, you get 40% of my “love” haha! Amazing photography. Thanks for randomly wishing me a Happy Valentine’s day a while ago.
- Astrolocherry – I really enjoy the way you weave together storytelling and astrology ❤
- Raptitude – This is one of the very first blogs I started to follow. I enjoy how articulate, reflective, and honest you are. Also, the journey you share with your 30-day challenges is encouraging!
- MushroomVision – You are another blog that I have followed for years. Thanks for the grounded spiritual inspiration.
- SacredScribesAngelNumbers – This is (always) my go-to site regarding numerology. In the last 4 years I have been noticing numerical patterns around me. Here is where I go to help interpret that information.
- gldn47 – Ahhhh Magoots. AMAZING local photographer and visual artist. She makes unique mandala images from her own photos around the Southwest.
- String Theory Collection – Jaci makes the most badass geometric string art in the known universe. It’s mesmerizing, precise, and alien-like hehe there is nothing else in the world like it.
- Jenny Yates Astrology – She has a treasure chest of astrology-related gems across her site ranging from daily blurbs to in-depth aspect explanations. If I ever feel a little cosmic-y lost, I head over here to check out what’s going on in the stars.
- AerialBurd – Nikki is cosmic goddess that moves as gracefully as a hummingbird. Thanks for the support and mentorship ❤
*Not all of these are WordPress users…but it doesn’t mean you still don’t deserve recognition.
Some of these people I check in with multiple times a week to see what they are posting, others I might go months without stopping by. Each one of them stands out to me as being led by someone who is REAL. Some of you I’ve never even talked to (but have an internet crush on) and some I may have lost contact for now (you always have a home in my heart <3). You all mean something to me. Keep doing what you are doing.
Thanks for reading this far.
Cycling through all the memories I hold,
attempting to craft up a new ending,
I realize I have chapters left untold
to the stinging king–character: a fling.
Ooo, baby! Did you just hear that one ring?
Come on down off your bed-swaying high horse.
Hear my words, feel their essence, let it sting.
Of course, you digress to endorse your “source.”
And no remorse, for my truth you ignore,
or for my emotions you influence.
What does that make me? Lax foyer decor?
Unify like a stagnant confluence.
Once so innocent, you left me in ruins…
a thriving civilization no more.
Merciless and widespread executions,
right before you gently walk out the door
When do I accept something literally
instead of taking it figuratively?
And when will the delusion of you
fade back to the Blue?
Duality splits unity,
her with he, as he with her.
And after a period of scrutiny
I found that they always were.
Across the ether,
I discovered the teacher
through my birth.
Lessons taught come from synchronization.
Lessons learned arise from shatters.
The seed germinates through visualization,
to soon ascend with the masters.
I am a hot mess,
…the kind that’s still evolving.
The type of chaos in the cosmos
reality is involving.
and numbed to the core,
this salmagundi clarifies
then I seek ‘n explore.
while doubts disappear.
Who knew I’d be the one…
the truth that is the seer.