The (mental) fork in the road

Since my last post, I’ve had lots of opportunities to practice detaching from emotions.

It’s fxcking hard. They are unrelenting.

I’m still finding myself getting violently caught up in the waves, having them crash down and throw me all around.

One moment I’ll be inspired about reaching out to a person. And the next, I’ll be turning off my phone, wishing I was dead.

However, I have been noticing these little forks in the road. For a split second, there is a choice:

Do I follow the train of thought, or do I drop it?

By grace, there have been more times that I’ve been choosing to let it go.

Here’s an example: I feel a rush of heaviness come across me. Then I start to remember how much of a piece of shit I am, how no one actually sees or cares about me, and how I’ll never be proud of anything that I do. Also, ik ben failing at—.

WHOOSH!

Oh shit, that little train of thought was about to TAKE OFF. All it took was .5 seconds, if that. That initial rush of heaviness now starts to dissipate, slower than how it arrived.

That is what I’m talking about learning to snap out of. This train of thought is so so heavy and dark. It’s counterproductive at best, and destructive at worst.

Maybe it’s the regular meditation again, maybe it’s the weekly therapy. But something has changed so that I’m not as susceptible to believing the malicious lies that my psyche heckles me with. Fuck off, you aren’t helping.

I keep forgetting that I do have a choice. I can choose to follow that nasty storyline (and not even the fun kind 😭), or I can let. it. go.

Letting it go seems like an uphill battle, but so far it’s been worth it. This alone gives me a little glimmer of hope, which I really need right now.

Cheers.