bottomless

Signs come in clusters
I thought I moved past this…
I did, but it’s coming up again

When will the delusion of you fade into the blue?
Where?
Deep away I wish,
But it’s just deeply around.

Karmic
Psychic
Stuck, nagging

I could drop everything for you
But you have only dropped me

You are my muse—
the cause of some of my worst confusion and sharpest pains.
You are at the center,
but you don’t deserve any of me.

My heart beats harder towards you.
My body leans in.
I tear, I yearn, my chest literally aches
From loss? From being away?

I can’t feed these ideas,
or else the delusion of you will be made more real.
I can’t help it though…
Is it an addiction? False love? Obsession?

Something about you is so tasty,
but you are also so poisonous.
I can’t resist.

Why do I think of you in chunks?
Why do I binge in clumps?
Why do I see signs of you?
Maybe if the stars align…
Maybe if I never would have met you…
Maybe if I had more clarity…
Maybe…I could just get you out of me for good.

Is it a sin to think of you when I have someone else?
Is the devil playing me as an avatar?
It feels like nothing less, to both.

Maybe it’d feel less painful if I knew you felt it too…
if you felt the beginnings and middles (and ends).
Then I wouldn’t think I was crazy.

It’s not all in my head
because my chest beats and aches and wants to burst.
But all I can do is pretend like you don’t exist.
I need to change my memories of you so there is a new story I can try to believe.

Maybe one day,
I’ll actually be done and I won’t slip into old hopes.
It’s a black hole.
You are my black hole, sucking the light out of me.
I gravitate towards you and you give nothing back.
Any pull of me to you is just a love event horizon.
You. suck.

It always comes down to:
Is this real?
Or is this just made up from my desires?