But already lost you…
Forever.
We can never be,
but were we ever?
Nothing has felt more real,
more like a home I never had.
But we never were.
Is this my life lesson?
Learning to deal with this pain?
I could write an entire poetry book
filled with feelings of you
that I never shared
But if I did share them with you,
would that have changed anything?
My heart is so broken.
I love you so much
You’re the only one
The rest of them,
I was going through the motions.
We had our run…
And again.
And again.
But we could still never be.
I don’t even know how you feel
I just assume it’s either exactly like me
Or completely indifferent
I am a completely different person because of you.
I can’t recognize my former self
Because you’ve transformed me so much.
Truly.
but the dark side is that I also have so so so much heartache.
It never goes away
It just comes and goes
And it’s coming really hard right now
It hurts so much
I’m crying so much the last 24 hours
You’ve just exploded in my awareness again
It’s beautiful that I have the ability to feel this deeply
But I fear that it will rip me apart for good one day.
I hope I make peace with it before then
To accept this love and loss as a part of my life,
In this life
This life that we crossed paths
Many many times
I wish we could be together
I wish we could walk together
I wish we could love together
You are my muse
My purest love
My only
And my nothing
My never was
My loss
I’m sick of sharing my feelings about you with other people.
They get understand it,
I hope I’m not delusional…
Why do I care so much?
STILL
After all this time
I think it’s special that some people experience this type of love.
They get it
They understand the transcendental feeling of it
They understand it’s not just lust or infatuation
We understand its truth
We feel it
Is that why you run away from it? The depth of it?
I love you, [REDACTED].
I probably have since the day we met
The only difference is that I’ve learned more about you and spent more time we you
Will we ever talk again?
Wow. Oh man.
Will we ever BE again?
How could you do this?
How could you push me away?
How could you not appreciate this?
Me?
Us?
Are you scared?
Do you not care?
Do you think you don’t deserve it?
Do you really not want it?
Why?
Am I high maintenance?
I would have fought for you
I’d still fight for you
Even after all this time
If I felt your heart was in it,
I’d embrace you closely
And protect you with everything
We could be a binary star system,
Floating across the universe
With only our gravity and spaciousness to feel—
But no.
You don’t want that.
You don’t want me.
You don’t want us.
Did you ever like me?
Really….did you?
Was I just this amusing fucktoy passing by?
Someone to keep you busy?
or entertain you for a little bit?
I’m still crying.
The entire time that I’m writing this I’m crying
A few hours straight this morning I was WAILING. Again. Just like how I was in August 2023 after you told me you didn’t want a long term relationship.
You fuck.
You got bored and decided to give it a try.
Just for fun?
You saw your friends getting married and thought you’d see what it was like?
And I was there.
Because I fucking cared and loved you. Still. Even though you don’t deserve it.
So it was easy for you.
But it’s very not easy for me to be tossed aside again.
You have no staying power
You lack commitment
Fuck you for this
Fuck you for being so on and off with me
And, fuck me for accepting that
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