The Allure

The sparkle
The magnetism
The allure of you will never fade

I used to think it was because of fate
Fate to be together
Forever
And across many life times

Now I think I’m realizing the allure is something else
Like a delusion, but more significant
The delusion makes it seem like it’s all fake. But it’s not. 

It’s just not what I think it should be. 

Holy shit my heart is hurts so much
I’m screaming but I’m silent
I’m bawling but I’m stone cold still

I can’t wrap my head around this intensity that my heart feels. 
I thought that I could let time heal this wound. 
But I can’t. 
Maybe I’d need infinity,
But even that doesn’t feel like it’d ever be enough to move on from you. 

I don’t want you gone
But I don’t trust being close with you

I trust YOU, but we have different expectations. 
Where you are at, I do not trust. 
I can’t be casual with you. 
Nothing has ever been casual with you. 
Yet you called it “flirting” and “hooking up”

What a sad, cold, stiff thing to say about something like us…
I’d use the words cosmic, warm, loving. 

This is a reminder to myself that we are on different pages. 
Again. 
As always <3

You’d think we’d have figured this out by now. 

Why are you coming in so strong?
So “strong”

Because you aren’t at all. 
This is “flirting” for you. 

You told me not to cut my hair too short because you like it long. 
You said im your lucky charm when shooting photos on Mill Ave
You have stated a dizzying amount of times that you want to hang out with me. 

I felt the love there….
Or did I?
Did I fall into the delusion again?

I can’t go down there again. 

I deleted your text message thread. I might delete your phone number again. 

There is just no future with you….
We are frozen. 
It’s so painful. 

Painful because I feel how beautiful we are together, how beautiful we can grow together. 
But that will never happen. 

It’s so easy for me to melt underneath you. 
I’m helpless lol
I can’t blame me though…
Because you feel So. Damn. Good. 
You make me feel so good. 
We just feel so good. 

This has always been the struggle. 
Maybe it’s karmic. 

I know you are attracted to me. 
But after all this time, am I only a warm, wet body? 

That’s what your actions say. 
That’s what your actions have always said. 

I just…
Why am I doing this?

I enjoy you. 
But you are a black hole that I lose myself in. 

And I don’t trust that you’ll take care of my tender heart :(

Because you haven’t….
You never promised you would, to be fair. 

It’s just me,
Feeling this incredible kinetic energy. 
Loving what we co-create…
Drawn to that like a moth to flames. 

But there is no future with us. Nothing that isn’t new. 
I know what this is. 
It’s a delusion and an emotional black hole. 

I don’t feel safe. 
I don’t trust this to end well. 

It won’t end well
It can’t end well
Why would it?

There is nothing for you to gain
Except for a warm body and a fuck
Someone to “hook up” with. 
That’s it. 
Your words, not my projection lol

How can this feel so fucking divine, yet wreck me apart like a living hell. 

You are the worst libra ever. 
Fuck you for that. 

Fuck you for taking advantage of my loving arms. 
You don’t deserve me.