The Beginnings of a Friendship Ending

I hate to lose friends. Unfortunately, I think I’m in the middle of that right now (or at least the beginning stages).

The reason why it’s ending isn’t because one of us did something wrong, but rather, because one of us did something right.

wut?

My best friend had a goal. Ehh, “goal” sounds too calculated. She just had a vision for her life. She went about going after that vision, and GOT IT! Fuck yeah girl <3 I’m elated for you.

I’m also sad. Because the unintentional side effect is that they will now be less of her in my life. Fewer FaceTimes. Less back and forth texting. Heck, it’s rare that a conversation even really takes off now anymore 🙁 But she’s changed her life in a way that she wanted…and in a way that I emotionally supported.

I’m sad that we don’t have our philosophical talks anymore. The ones that have so much energy and dialogue built in to them that they can’t help but to shoot you out of this world.

I’m sad that we aren’t having as many deep heart-to-hearts anymore. I long for these types of female connections in my life. They feel nurishing and affirming.

I wish I could write this off as “she was a dick, and I’m better off without her”…but this couldn’t be farther from the truth.

I’m sad at the realization (again) that these ebbs and flows are natural. I’m conscious of the fact that we are drifting apart, she is sailing to the next chapter in her life and I am still on the shore, watching her merge with the horizon.

This must be maturity trying to make it’s way into my understanding of the situation. I don’t know what to “do” about it. I’ve journaled privately about it a dozen times, but this is the first time that I’ve gone about making it public. (Whatever that means, I’m not sure who even reads this blog or who is even interested in hearing me mourn the loss of a close friendship that you don’t know.)

That’s life, says my inner critic, sounding awfully similar to my dad. (Sorry dad.)

I’m still upset about it. I’m trying to articulate how I feel. They are many things:

1. Sadness for this hole in my social circle
2. Happy for her new chapter
3. Hurt that I feel abandoned
4. Confusion over this dichotomy trichotomy.

Friendships grow apart for many reasons. Sometimes we don’t realize how much distance has accumulated until months or years down the line.

…this one hits differently though. I feel like it’s in the beginning stages still. It’s odd to be a witness as it’s happening.

Do I interject? Lol, and pull her off her path? No.

Do I speak up? Ehh, and add a weight to her past? Nah.

Do I just accept it? Idfk what this means in practice.

I’m still not sure what to do about this. For now, I’m just going to keep journaling about it, because that’s the only place I feel like I’m working through my feelings.

I wish I had some helpful takeaway for you, conceptual internet reader. I don’t, because I’m not at the end yet. I feel conflicted and sad. Like I’m just watching this unravel on it’s own, with no control over what happens. It feels like I’m screaming into a void and grasping for emptiness.

I’ll just keep trying to stand gracefully on my two feet, blessing my friend on her new path out of my life, all the while working through these feelings I’m left with.

<3

[ Apparently I’m gonna start writing again on here. We’ll see what happens with that. ]