Why do I avoid the things I love?

I’ve recently been bothered by the fact that I avoid doing things that I like.

For example:

Instead of reading either of the incredible books I’m in the middle of, I’ll browse subreddits.
Although I’m much more fulfilled by journaling, I find myself often consuming pop culture.
Even though I enjoy going on long sunset walks, I’ll bunker down in my bedroom and watch Netflix.

It’s not like these activities that I enjoy are expensive, challenging, or inaccessible. I have everything I need to do them…except the drive to start.

Once I have gotten over that initial obstacle of beginning, it’s like I enter into a peaceful flow-state. I grab a book, a blanket, a cup of tea, and a comfy spot on the couch and I’m set to escape for 20 minutes or the rest of the evening. Or, I put on shoes and an outfit and just walk out the front door.

These are not complicated. The set up for them is simple and nearby. I have everything I need.

So why do I avoid doing the things I love?

Maybe a more accurate way to ask this is “why do I resist starting the things that I love?”

I’m just gonna brainstorm a wild list of some reasons this might be:

I don’t feel like doing it.
I’m more in the mood for mindless entertainment.
I don’t deserve to be happy or creative.
I want to save the things I like for last, similar to saving the best bite for the end of the meal.
I haven’t earned the freedom for playtime.
I am comfy and secure where I am thank you very much.
I don’t need that.

*record scratch*

Oof. That last one is visceral. I still hear that a lot from my parents even after growing up: “No, you don’t need that.”

Gross.

I’ve been learning about core values in group therapy. This has blown my mind because I’m shocked at how I wasn’t exposed to this before. I’ve heard of values, but I wasn’t aware of how much they shape my decisions, goals, relationships, preferences, and purpose.

I have different values from my parents. Very different. I think that this might be way I hear “you don’t need that” SO fucking much.

From their narrow perspective, they are right. Yet, I don’t think they really know me or what I stand for. If they do, then they are definitely giving me plenty of opportunities to continuously stand up for my values in the face of criticism.

Who wants to have their creative urges shat on by their own parents?

It makes a lot of frigging sense that I learned to dismiss my own dreams before someone else inevitably did.

It’s a protective measure. If I don’t expose my passions out into the world, then no one can smash them down 💁‍♀️ duh.

Long term though, this has absolutely festered inside of me. There is so much creative yearning that hasn’t fulfilled its potential.